A goose laid an egg in a redneck's garden.

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The owner of the goose went round to his house and asked for the
egg.

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"Sorry man," came the reply, "In these parts, if goose lays egg
in garden, owner of garden gets egg!"

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The goose owner said, "Where I come from, we settle disputes
like this: I kick you in your nuts, you kick me in mine and so
on until one gives in. The winner gets the egg."

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The redneck replied, "Seems ok to me, go ahead."

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At this, the goose owner took a run at the redneck and landed
his boot smack in the middle of the redneck's groin. The redneck
kneeled over in agony and sat on the floor to recover. He then
shouted over to the goose guy and said, "Ok now it's my turn."

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The goose guy replied, "Naa, you keep the egg!"

A gorilla is walking through the jungle. He parts the bushes by the watering hole and sees a lion taking a drink of water with his butt sticking up in the air. The gorilla thinks to himself that it would be really funny if he snuck up behind this "King of the Jungle" and slipped him the old sausage. So the gorilla sneaks up on his tiptoes behind the lion, grabs him by the hips and starts pumping him in the butt as hard as he can. Then, he pulls out and runs away, laughing his head off. He thinks it is the funniest thing he's ever done in his life, screwing the "King of the Jungle" in the rear end.

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The lion is shocked and upset, lets out a mighty ROAR and chases the gorilla through the jungle. Now, the gorilla can't run very fast and the lion keeps getting closer and closer, so the gorilla ducks into a campsite, puts on some safari clothes and pith helmet, picks up a newspaper, sits down and holds it up to his face, and makes like he is reading it. Just then, the lion comes busting through the jungle.

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"RRRRRROOOOOOOOAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!" he says. "Did you just see a big gorilla run through here?"

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The gorilla starts shaking behind the paper. "Uh, you mean the one that just s-s-s-screwed you in the ass?" he stutters.

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The lion sits up with a start and says, "Jesus! It's in the paper already?"

A gorilla walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer.

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The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "That'll be five bucks."

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As the gorilla is paying for his beer, the bartender adds "You know... we don't get many gorillas in here."

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To which the gorilla replies, "At eight bucks a beer, it's no wonder..."

A gorilla was walking thru' a jungle when he came across a deer eating grasses in a clearing. The gorilla roared, 'Who's the king of the jungle?', and the deer replied, 'Oh, you are, Master.'

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The gorilla walked off pleased. Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole. Again, he roared,'Who's the king of the jungle?', of course, the zebra replied, 'You are, master.'

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The gorilla walked of pleased. Then he came across an elephant. 'Who's the king of the jungle?', he roared again, at the elephant. With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on him.

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The gorilla scraped himself up off the ground and said, 'Ok, ok, there's no need to get mad just because you don't know the answer!'

A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet. When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes.
"I'd love an ice-cold beer right now," he told the genie. Poof! A beer appeared.

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Next the man said, "I wish to be on an island, surrounded by beautiful and willing women."
Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him.

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Oh, man this is the life, the guy thought.
"I wish I never had to work again." And poof!...
He was back at his desk in the government office!

A grade school teacher comes into class one morning to find a litany of dirty words written all over the blackboard. She is very upset and tells the class to close its eyes and count to thirty. During that time, she says, the person who did it should erase the words. The class and the teacher close their eyes, and, after the time is up, open them. The board is indeed erased, except for a small note in the bottom of the board.

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"Fuck you, teacher. The phantom strikes again!"

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
living. Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a doctor!" Sarah stood up and said,
"My father is a professor!" Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano
player in a whorehouse!"

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The teacher couldn't believe what she's had just heard, so she made a point of
calling Little Johnny's father that evening to discuss the situation. Little
Johnny's father explained, "Actually, I'm a law attorney, but how am I supposed
to explain that to a seven year old kid!"

A grandfather and granddaugher were sitting and talking when the
young girl asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"

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"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.

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A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me
too?"

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"Yes, He did," the older man answered.

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For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her
grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her
grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last
she spoke up.

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"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job
lately."

A grandfather went to visit his college-age grandson at the dorm. Grandpa was astonished to find that his son was living a life of sin and corruption, as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway.In my day, grumbled Gramps, we would hang a horse shoe over the door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to pass our classes.But grandpa, replied the grandson, that is a whore's shoe.

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:

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"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

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"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"

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"You're coming empty handed?"

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Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

A Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning when he had
made her coffee.

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She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the
bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said,
"Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"

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Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking up is
soldiers in your cup!'"

A grandpa and his five year-old son went out fishing. After a while the grandpa pulled out a beer and the grandson asked "Hey Grandpa, can I have a beer?"
The grandpa replied by saying "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

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So the grandson said,"No."

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Then the grandpa said, "Then you can't have one."

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Later on, the grandpa pulls out a cigarette and lights it up and the grandson asked "Hey grandpa, can I have a cigarette?"

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The grandpa again replied by saying, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

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So the grandson again replied by saying no.

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Then the grandpa said, "Well, then you can't have one."

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Now the kid is getting really pissed off. So he takes out a cookie and the grandpa says, "Gee grandson, can I have one?"

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The grandson replied by saying, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

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So the grandpa said, "Yes."

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Then the grandson said, "Good, then go f*** yourself because grandma made these for me."

A grasshopper walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bar tender turns to the grasshopper and says " hey, you know we have a drink named after you?" The grasshopper responds "why in the heck do you have a drink named Bob?"Chris

A grasshopper walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a drink."

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The bartender can't believe his eyes and says, "Oh my Gosh, I can't believe this, you're a talking grasshopper!"

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"Do you know we have drink named after you?"

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The Grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Steve?"

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink
named after you!'
The grasshopper looks surprised and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?'

a great dane and an alsation are with their masters in the waiting room at the local vets.
the great dane decides to strike up a conversation and ask the alsation what he's in for.
well said the alsation,its a long story but it goes something like this-i was napping on the landing when the masters wife came out of the bathroom,stark naked and dripping wet,she bent over to pick a towel up and i could'nt resist,i was up there like a shot,fucking her like she'd never been fucked before,so the masters bought me in to be put down,what about you?